Reconnecting After Kids: Finding Your Way Back to “Us”

One of the biggest transitional events for a couple is becoming parents. While wonderful and meaningful, it can also be exhausting, stressful and disruptive. If you find yourself struggling, feeling disconnected, missing yourself and your relationship, you’re not alone - it is such a human response to parenthood.

Whether it’s a newborn, the change in dynamics as you add more children to the mix, the many phases and “changing rules” as kids age, or empty nests, parenthood requires constant adjustments.

So, what’s really happening and why? And how do we find our way back to each other?

Disconnection and Poor Intimacy

A decrease in relationship satisfaction and an overall feeling of disconnection from our partners often sneaks up on us — it’s typically found in small changes and unmet expectations.

Conversation, once abundant and meaningful, building emotional intimacy, can shift to interrupted snippets revolving around logistics. Physical intimacy often stops entirely or decreases significantly, with rushed and/or scheduled attempts replacing spontaneous moments. Additional stressors, such as time constraints, financial sacrifices, and an increase in demands made of you (from adjusting to the newborn phase, to making snacks, planning birthdays and sporting events, to homework) can lead to feelings of pressure and overwhelm. Add sleep deprivation to the mix, and we have a perfect storm.

Studies show that intimacy as a whole decreases dramatically within the first three years of parenthood for nearly all couples. Intimacy doesn’t simply refer to sex — rather, it encompasses feeling heard and seen, emotional closeness, small acts of affection and appreciation, and sharing goals and dreams. Without intimacy, it’s easy to feel resentful, misunderstood and alone.

What Does the Research Say?

Essentially, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s incredibly common.

Two thirds of couples report a significant increase in relationship dissatisfaction after having children (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Parents report an increase in conflict and fatigue, with a decrease in quality time (Doss et al., 2009). Sexual frequency and satisfaction decrease, and often only return to “normal” years after birth (McNulty et al., 2016).

Mothers particularly experience lower desirability due to post-birth pain, lowered self-confidence, bodily changes and feeling “touched out.” Fathers report feeling increased pressure to provide, undesired, excluded and deprioritised, which can often lead to avoidance and withdrawal.

A significant decrease in sleep also impacts how we process emotions, how we self-regulate, and how we interact with others, leading to lowered patience, irritability and miscommunication.

Dr Gottman’s research further reports that one of the most significant changes couples undergo is the shift in identity from romantic partner to parent. This shift often changes values, lifestyle choices and priorities, as well as expectations and goals. Parents might also have different ideas about discipline approaches, rules around screen time and activities, communication patterns, boundaries and so forth, which can lead to increased conflict.

This doesn’t mean you chose the wrong partner. It means you’re navigating a developmental stage that stretches time, energy, identity and emotional bandwidth.

There is no shame in struggling.

Is This Incompatibility… or Adjusting to Parenthood?

We often hear the natural follow-up question: “What if this means we’re not actually compatible?” While nobody outside the relationship can answer that, there are some things you can reflect on.

Was your relationship safe, secure and connected before children? Do you have, and live out, similar core values (such as respect, honesty, safety and trust) most of the time? Do you still feel like you care about your partner and your relationship, but you’re just feeling overwhelmed, stressed and flat?

What is the conflict about? Is it parenting roles and expectations, workload and having too little time, or is it more personal? When you have quality time together, does the relationship feel warmer and more connected?

Do one or both of you constantly feel underappreciated, unheard or unseen across multiple facets of the relationship? Is there contempt, withdrawal, betrayal, dishonesty, name-calling, intimidation or complete disengagement?

Most couples fall into the adjustment category, even though it can feel frighteningly permanent when you’re in it. If this is the case, it’s manageable — difficult, but manageable.

So What Now?

A few tools that you can try to reconnect, without adding more pressure, are discussed below. It’s worth noting that these are general suggestions — to access strategies tailored to your specific situation, engaging in counselling allows a psychologist to work within your particular circumstances and limitations.

Reconnection doesn’t require a handful of grand gestures or instant chemistry. Rather, small but consistent and frequent shifts in habits and behaviours lead to sustainable change.

1. Regular Shifts into “Partners” (from Co-parents)

Try scheduling 10–15 minutes a few times a week with no kid talk. Drink a coffee on the couch, sit in the yard on a picnic rug, go for a short walk, or go to bed a few minutes earlier to catch up at the end of the day — whatever works for your circumstances.

Take the time to ask your partner questions about their inner world — what the tough and great moments of the week were, whether there was something you did that they appreciated and would like to see again, even “date talk” like what series they want to watch, what’s happening at work, or what they wanted to be when they were children.

The Gottman Institute created an app called “Card Decks,” which offers multiple activity suggestions such as open-ended questions, rituals of connection, and ways to communicate appreciation.

While discussing struggles in your relationship is important, these 15-minute moments should focus on connection, truly seeing each other again, rather than problem-solving.

2. Lower the Bar on Intimacy

When you’re feeling disconnected and frustrated, sex might feel out of reach. But intimacy, even physical intimacy, is far broader than just sex.

Start with long hugs, sitting together on the couch, holding hands, or touching your partner’s shoulder as you walk past. These small signs of affection help build safety, and feelings of safety, security and closeness often lead to desire over time.

3. If You Can Name It, You Can Claim It

Find a mantra you can say out loud in moments when you’re feeling overwhelmed or stuck, a statement that reminds you that adjustments are difficult and normal. Something like:

“This is a demanding season, not the final version of our relationship.”“Change requires adjustment, we’re just finding our new normal.”

Research shows that couples who externalise stressors, rather than blaming one another, increase connection and resilience (Cowan & Cowan, 2000).

4. Manage the “Invisible Load”

Feeling unseen, overwhelmed and overburdened does not create the bandwidth for connection.

Communicate and find solutions around mental load, down time (for each parent and as a couple), and fairness in sharing tasks, from dishes to packing for school camps. Creating a sense of “us” rather than “me” helps build teamwork as you navigate the challenges children bring.

5. Get Help Early

Accessing professional support should not be seen as a last resort. Couples counselling is not just for relationships in crisis. Studies show long-term relationship satisfaction increases significantly with early intervention, particularly during parenting transitions (Doss et al., 2009).

Here at Nutricula Psychology, we work with couples across many phases of their relationships; new relationships, transitions into parenthood, major life changes, or relationships impacted by unresolved betrayal.

Our work is guided by evidence-based techniques and grounded in compassion and empathy so we can provide you with the best possible care. We can help you navigate roles and expectations, communication patterns, conflict styles, and barriers that stand in the way of reconnection.

A Final Word of Encouragement

The goal isn’t to return to who you were before children, that version of you and your relationship has changed.

But just because you’ve outgrown that chapter doesn’t mean version 2.0 cannot be deeper, stronger and more meaningful.

The task is not to go backwards, it is to find a new dynamic, a new closeness that fits who you are now.

You’re not behind.

You’re adjusting.

And support is available.